Personal Ish: Kicking your negative thoughts to the curb.
Hey y’all- I'm having a baby boy! It's been a long journey, for about three years we've been trying to have a baby and right when I was going to see a doctor, to see if anything was wrong, I found out I was pregnant!
Here I am six months now, and I'm proud to announce I have a baby Sag that's due December 10th. However, I'm a little salty that I'm sharing my birthday with him and Jesus now.
My Dad passed away on December 9th and I buried him a day before my birthday on December 19th. So the holidays and the month of December have always been pretty rough for me, for the past four years. For my little James to be due during a month that has caused me such sorrow is a huge blessing that I don't understand how the fuck I deserve. But it's happening, and I am so thankful.
It’s been an enormous blessing being pregnant however, it doesn't mean that it isn't stressful. Even good things happening in your life can cause stress, I remember planning my wedding a few years ago and it was a great moment, but stressful as fuck.
I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks after I left my job to become a freelancer. So starting my freelancing career was off to an exciting start.
The first trimester was not treating me well, I was practically sick my entire first trimester, I had one major client to wrap up, and to top it off my first panel I was hosting for Design Week Sacramento to put together. It was exhausting and overwhelming, but I fucking did it, thanks to the fantastic people who helped me execute my event.
If you are a pregnant mama and experiencing nausea go to Jamba Juice and get a ginger shot- or buy a juicer and make your own. If you do make your own, add some orange juice with some cayenne pepper and chug!
I remember feeling nauseated the morning of the panel I was hosting- it was probably a mixture of my nerves and pregnancy. I went to Jamba Juice and threw down a ginger shot, and I was in the zone. I put on Beyonce, 'Who Run The World' and 'Formation' and I was ready to go. In the end, the event went well! I was so exhausted, but I did it- I executed an event on cannabis and creatives and it was a success!
After my panel and wrapping up my first big client, I've made sure to listen to my body more, because everyone kept telling me the first trimester was crucial. But, I couldn't help feeling like I wasn't doing enough, but also feeling like I'm doing too much. I went from grinding at 100% to about 40%- it was hard for me to adapt to this new role when I had different plans.
Yes, I'm a bonus mom, but being a bonus mom has given me a chance to make my career a priority since my daughter is in her tweens and I get to have a few days kid-free every week. Now I'm growing a little human, and soon enough I'll have a needy little human that I'm responsible for 24/7, 365, that's a new chapter in my life that I'm ready for but terrified about.
I don't want to let go of my passion and personal projects, but I'm excited about this little bundle of joy. Shit, I'm ending a cycle of my life and stepping into a new one, and that's some scary shit! I'm continually asking myself, "how will I maintain who I am but become this new person at the same time?"
When I was younger, I was the girl who hoped to have a big family, and then I grew up to the girl who was okay with her career and no family, and later became to the girl who is trying to have it all.
Society tells you it's impossible to focus on your career and family, and here I am trying to tell society's standards to fuck off.
So for a few months I felt a little lost and lately, whenever I feel that way I pull my tarot cards. Anyone can do it, you don’t have to have any special powers to pull, because we’re all intuitive, we just have to channel it. (I learned this at a Creative Mornings talk from the medium, Susan Lustenberger, watch the video to see how you can channel yours.)
Choose tarot cards you are drawn to. Also, helps to find one that comes with a guidebook.
Pulling my own deck has been life changing for me and saves me money- instead of visiting my medium for answers I just pull my tarot deck, and I love it- I'm always learning something new, and I’m becoming quite the expert. (Insert Z Snap Here)
A few days ago I pulled a deck, I learned the following and was called out on my bullshit. I forgot the deck I pulled, but it said the following:
I need to be healthier.
I need to stop being stubborn.
And that I need to accept this new cycle in my life.
These were all super facts. It was hard to accept motherhood for me because I was afraid that I'd lose the ambitious part of my soul when I became a mother...kind of like how Ursula stole Ariel's voice.
However, I also know, thanks to a birth chart reading by Wayman Stewart (I suggest you have your birth chart read, it's fucking mind-blowing) that my thoughts are powerful, so powerful that my negative thoughts tend to become a reality, and fuck do I have all the negative thoughts. So, it was time to get out of my negative hole and fight through my negative mindset. Instead of thinking, "I'm going to have the ambition sucked out of me when I become a mother," I need to think the opposite, and tell myself that, “That my ambition will still be around, and it will be stronger, and that you're fucking tripping, C quit the negative bullshit.”
The power of positive thinking is some intense shit. When I was a kid, I remember always lying and saying I was going to do or have something before I did it. And then it would happen, lol. Why? Because I believed in the lie so strongly, that it happened. That may not the best way to introduce positive thinking, but it fucking worked. It's kind of like when I knew I wanted to leave my job and start freelancing. I had no plan, but I knew it's what I wanted to do. So I spoke it into existence, I acted like it was going to happen, and what happened months later? I left and started freelancing.
Sometimes I get stuck in negative land, and I forget how important it is to manifest positivity in your life. So last week I knew it was about that time. I told myself, “no more negative thoughts, C.'“ Then I proceeded to smudge my house with sage and palo santo and cleansed all my crystals to invite all the good vibes.
If you're following me on Twitter, I currently have the thread of a positive thoughts going on. I try to post every day, some tidbit from the book or quotes I love, so if you need something positive follow along! The first quote was so on point the day I opened it up.
Right where you should be. That place may be scary, boring, exciting, or heartbreaking. But whatever it is, sit tight. Instead of fighting your way out of it with everything you got, sit still. Experience it. Let it go. Rock on. You are exactly where you should be.
So here's to positive thinking, using your intuition, telling yourself to rest when your body needs it, and motherhood! I'm going to leave you off with my favorite positive playlist when I need a good mood booster. Enjoy!